Matt Powers is a contributor to The Onion, Onion Sports, and Onion News Network. He is the editorial/writers assistant at Adult Swim dot com. He used to work as writers assistant and contributing writer to Onion Digital which brought to the world delights like "Sex House" and "Lake Dredge Appraisal". He has been asked several times but refuses to leave your driveway.


How To Survive A Minor Earthquake

Step 1: While minor earthquake is occurring, do not be in the way of speeding projectiles, do not throw oneself from a formidable height, do not douse self in gasoline and stand near open flame. Do not submerge self in water for longer than duration of peak breath holding.

Step 2: Text everyone you know: “Did you feel the earthquake????”