Matt Powers is writer for ClickHole. His work has appeared on The Onion, Adult Swim, and other places that are good. He has been asked several times but refuses to leave your driveway.

 

How To Survive A Minor Earthquake

Step 1: While minor earthquake is occurring, do not be in the way of speeding projectiles, do not throw oneself from a formidable height, do not douse self in gasoline and stand near open flame. Do not submerge self in water for longer than duration of peak breath holding.

Step 2: Text everyone you know: “Did you feel the earthquake????”