Matt Powers is a contributor to The Onion, Onion Sports, and Onion News Network. He is the editorial/writers assistant at Adult Swim dot com. He used to work as writers assistant and contributing writer to Onion Digital which brought to the world delights like "Sex House" and "Lake Dredge Appraisal". He has been asked several times but refuses to leave your driveway.
If you thought this year’s Super Bowl was about a football game between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants, you are gravely mistaken. Super Bowl XLVI was merely a staging area for the most indulgent, dazzlingly-choreographed, beautiful-in-all-its-excesses half time show. More specifically, it was a reply to the 2008 Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Beijing—a message to the Chinese that when it comes to fanciful pageantry, no one compares to good ol’ red, white and blue.
Basically, Madonna just told the Chinese to suck it. And she isn’t even from this country. That’s how powerful our pageantry really is.
2008 does seem like forever ago. After all, it’s almost time for the 2012 Olympics! But that’s how long this halftime show has been in development. The second she saw the opening ceremonies three and a half years ago, Madonna was like “let’s make these bastards pay,” and immediately called Nicki Minaj who answered the phone “I saw it. Let’s fucking do this.”
In 2008, the Chinese replaced a little girl who sang a song because she wasn’t cute enough. Someone actually died in rehearsals. Madonna may be near death, but godammit she looked alive on Sunday evening. Legally, medically alive.
The eyes on that sphinx are glowing, much like the eyes of the rest of the world as they fondly look on America’s pageantry.
The Chinese have been trumped because their ceremony featured too much symbolism, tradition, and taste. As impressively as it was executed (all puns intended; I’m sure at least one person was killed dropping a light or something let’s not lie to ourselves), the Chinese ceremony can never stack up to Madonna being pulled in by legions of hot men dressed as Roman gladiators. And there was that guy on a wire. Holy shit, that was cool. And whenever LMFAO are featured in zebra print gladiator gear, well my friends, that is what we call the trump card. Did you see the “World Peace” written in glowing dots that seemingly had no connection to the neo-Roman, evangelical-choir, rave-trash storyline that had taken place? That’s called denouement. Textbook denouement. Look it up. It’s French. But we made it our own.
Sorry Chinese, better luck next time you have an international event with the whole world watching. But until then, the trophy of pageantry will remain in the Land of the Free, where she belongs. Pageantry is why this country was founded, and I’ll be damned if that’s that’s not the way we go out. On top.
This post is dedicated to The United States Of America, 1776-2011