Matt Powers is a contributor to The Onion, Onion Sports, and Onion News Network. He is the editorial/writers assistant at Adult Swim dot com. He used to work as writers assistant and contributing writer to Onion Digital which brought to the world delights like "Sex House" and "Lake Dredge Appraisal". He has been asked several times but refuses to leave your driveway.

 

I don’t know if this is a wily advertising ploy, but I now desperately want to try the “Ultra” version.

I don’t know if this is a wily advertising ploy, but I now desperately want to try the “Ultra” version.

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