Matt Powers is writer for ClickHole. His work has appeared on The Onion, Adult Swim, and other places that are good. He has been asked several times but refuses to leave your driveway.

 

An Ode Of Undying Gratitude For Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling is considered one of Hollywood’s hottest leading men, and while this information is usually of no interest to me, for once I applaud and celebrate this man’s high ranking. I would like to recognize Gosling not for his chiseled abs or rugged masculine features, but for the enormous strides he has made for men with long faces. Yes, as a man with a long face myself, I can say on behalf of all other elliptical-visaged (vertically-orientated) men that we are eternally grateful that for once, we are no longer the seedy villain or heartless stock broker or creepy British uncle. We aren’t the weird friend or science nerd or vindictive private school headmaster. We are no longer Cameron; today, we are Ferris. And it’s all thanks to the tireless efforts of one super-hot man named Ryan Gosling. But it hasn’t always been like this—we long-faced men have tracked a long and winding course to get to where we are today. 
Adrian Brody got us close to the promised land in the early 2000’s, but he was still too “weird” looking to be considered classically handsome. I’m not going to lie: I quoted “The Pianist” relentlessly when it came out in hopes of snaring one of the more “alternative” women who find Brody attractive, but even that was largely fruitless (although I did come to realize “The Pianist” is a beautifully written film and got completely overlooked for best picture at The Oscars. “Chicago” is a piece of shit. There. We were all thinking it and I said it). We long faced men were inconspicuously in the middle of the crowd, and honestly that’s where we liked it. Little did we know two years later what a crushing blow we would receive.
2004 was a year of intense heartache and set our cause back decades. John Kerry dominated the national discourse and gave all of us a bad name, and an even worse face. Not only was he boring, old, and by all accounts unattractive, but he lost to George Bush, one of the most despised, embattled, and ridiculed presidents since Warren Harding passed out drunk on the Austro-Hungarian ambassador (look it up; it’s true). But worst of all, Bush has a round, regular face. We were once again vanquished by our longtime face-rivals. We had been thrust onto the national stage and then embarrassed beyond recognition. And while the nation as a whole suffered after being plunged into four more Bush-years, the consequences were far graver for us long-faced men. Far graver.
Those were dark times. I don’t like to go there often. 
But the prophet has come to lead us out of the darkness! In an eight week span last year I found myself watching “Crazy Stupid Love” and “The Ides Of March” in theaters and after asking myself “did I really just blow twenty five dollars on two genuinely shitty movies?” my second thought was immediately that Ryan Gosling is truly a Rosa Parks-type figure in the great struggle of long-faced men. No more do we have to sit in the back of the face-bus, with the cone heads and guys with weepy eyelids. We can stand jawline to jawline with the most proportionally-faced men. Gosling may not be the best actor, or even a “good” actor. He may constantly try to be charming and come off as condescending; he may always speak in that contrived half-trans-Atlantic half-what-in-his-mind-is-a blue collar East Coast accent that drives you insane after three minutes; he may be more wooden than a church door on Christmas, but god dammit he’s sexy. And I love him for it.

An Ode Of Undying Gratitude For Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling is considered one of Hollywood’s hottest leading men, and while this information is usually of no interest to me, for once I applaud and celebrate this man’s high ranking. I would like to recognize Gosling not for his chiseled abs or rugged masculine features, but for the enormous strides he has made for men with long faces. Yes, as a man with a long face myself, I can say on behalf of all other elliptical-visaged (vertically-orientated) men that we are eternally grateful that for once, we are no longer the seedy villain or heartless stock broker or creepy British uncle. We aren’t the weird friend or science nerd or vindictive private school headmaster. We are no longer Cameron; today, we are Ferris. And it’s all thanks to the tireless efforts of one super-hot man named Ryan Gosling. But it hasn’t always been like this—we long-faced men have tracked a long and winding course to get to where we are today. 

Adrian Brody got us close to the promised land in the early 2000’s, but he was still too “weird” looking to be considered classically handsome. I’m not going to lie: I quoted “The Pianist” relentlessly when it came out in hopes of snaring one of the more “alternative” women who find Brody attractive, but even that was largely fruitless (although I did come to realize “The Pianist” is a beautifully written film and got completely overlooked for best picture at The Oscars. “Chicago” is a piece of shit. There. We were all thinking it and I said it). We long faced men were inconspicuously in the middle of the crowd, and honestly that’s where we liked it. Little did we know two years later what a crushing blow we would receive.

2004 was a year of intense heartache and set our cause back decades. John Kerry dominated the national discourse and gave all of us a bad name, and an even worse face. Not only was he boring, old, and by all accounts unattractive, but he lost to George Bush, one of the most despised, embattled, and ridiculed presidents since Warren Harding passed out drunk on the Austro-Hungarian ambassador (look it up; it’s true). But worst of all, Bush has a round, regular face. We were once again vanquished by our longtime face-rivals. We had been thrust onto the national stage and then embarrassed beyond recognition. And while the nation as a whole suffered after being plunged into four more Bush-years, the consequences were far graver for us long-faced men. Far graver.

Those were dark times. I don’t like to go there often. 

But the prophet has come to lead us out of the darkness! In an eight week span last year I found myself watching “Crazy Stupid Love” and “The Ides Of March” in theaters and after asking myself “did I really just blow twenty five dollars on two genuinely shitty movies?” my second thought was immediately that Ryan Gosling is truly a Rosa Parks-type figure in the great struggle of long-faced men. No more do we have to sit in the back of the face-bus, with the cone heads and guys with weepy eyelids. We can stand jawline to jawline with the most proportionally-faced men. Gosling may not be the best actor, or even a “good” actor. He may constantly try to be charming and come off as condescending; he may always speak in that contrived half-trans-Atlantic half-what-in-his-mind-is-a blue collar East Coast accent that drives you insane after three minutes; he may be more wooden than a church door on Christmas, but god dammit he’s sexy. And I love him for it.

  1. mattpowers posted this