Matt Powers Won't Leave Your Driveway

If you are looking to free up a half an hour of your Wednesday nights, I’m going to sum up every episode of Modern Family that has been made and will be made. 

1. Phil’s got a plan, and it’s a bit immature! He teams up with Luke who thinks it’s equally has cool, but it’s age appropriate for him.

2. Claire is feeling under appreciated. Why does she have to deal with Haley and Alex’s painfully generic struggles with adolescence while Phil has boyish fun?

3. Mitch is obsessing over something overly-sassy Cam is doing that slightly annoys him. ‘Am I any fun?’ Mitch asks himself. Instead of confronting Cam right away with a conversation that would be painless and healthy, Mitch bottles it up in increasingly enigmatic fashion.

4. Gloria is hot!

5. Manny’s got a woman problem. She’s either 34 and mature enough or 12 and too immature. Manny’s got a surprisingly old-person way of romancing her!

6. Haley can’t have the car!

7. Jay just wants a quiet afternoon. But Gloria wants to go dancing! Remember, Gloria is hot.

8. Manny needs some advice. Luke offers age-appropriate advice, which parallels hilariously with Manny’s mature outlook.

9. Haley’s kinda dumb!

10. Gloria’s speaking in Spanish! Hotly!

11. Phil calls Luke “buddy”

12. Claire’s had it about up to here!

13. Cam knows something wrong, but Mitch won’t say it. They have a cute baby.

14. Manny needs Jay’s advice. Jay’s advice: “figure it out for yourself! I did!”

15. Mitch follows Cam to his yoga class. Hope Cam doesn’t see him!

16. Haley just wants to be treated like an adult!

17. Alex is doing something!

18. Gloria is hotly furious at Jay! Just talk to Manny already! Also, she still wants to go dancing!

19. Hot dancing!

20. Cam and Mitch are fighting, but it’s okay because they love each other.

21. Phil makes oblique reference to how attractive Gloria is to Claire. Claire is too stressed raising the entire family to care.

22. Family dinner! Everyone meets up and resolutions are presented after much infighting. “We’re the Prichetts god dammit!”

23. Jay sums it all up. God he’s an ol’ bastard but he loves his family!

24. Can Gloria speak English? Who cares, she’s hot! And Claire’s kind of ok with that.

25. Cam’s being sassy again! And Mitch is ok with it! Until next episode.

26. After the credit single cam on the Dunphy couch: Luke’s not so bright!

I actually think Modern Family is one of the better shows on network TV, so any ribbing is in good fun. I can’t handle the faceless brass at ABC being irked at me. It would be too crushing.