Matt Powers is a contributor to The Onion, Onion Sports, and Onion News Network. He is the editorial/writers assistant at Adult Swim dot com. He used to work as writers assistant and contributing writer to Onion Digital which brought to the world delights like "Sex House" and "Lake Dredge Appraisal". He has been asked several times but refuses to leave your driveway.

 

"To Beastie or not to Beastie?"


I would like to apologize to everyone from Patron to the guy that designed MS Paint for bringing this into the world. I will not apologize to Shakespeare. He is dead. Is the guy who invented MS Paint also dead? God, computers have been around a while. Kind of makes you think, huh? If you’re dead, I rescind my apology. I don’t interact with the Spirit World. Got burned one too many times. How many of us have fallen for the ol’ undead girlfriend grift? I know more than one of us have been “Tim Burton’ed” as it is popularly known. And yes, I felt that both “Spirit” and “World” deserve to be capitalized. No sense in pissing off the dead. Clara, I still love you. I forgive you and your big bag of “I died in 1390” tricks. This is off topic. Please read Shakespeare. He has so little. He is dead.

"To Beastie or not to Beastie?"

I would like to apologize to everyone from Patron to the guy that designed MS Paint for bringing this into the world. I will not apologize to Shakespeare. He is dead. Is the guy who invented MS Paint also dead? God, computers have been around a while. Kind of makes you think, huh? If you’re dead, I rescind my apology. I don’t interact with the Spirit World. Got burned one too many times. How many of us have fallen for the ol’ undead girlfriend grift? I know more than one of us have been “Tim Burton’ed” as it is popularly known. And yes, I felt that both “Spirit” and “World” deserve to be capitalized. No sense in pissing off the dead. Clara, I still love you. I forgive you and your big bag of “I died in 1390” tricks. This is off topic. Please read Shakespeare. He has so little. He is dead.