February 2012
4 posts
Still need to figure out how to stay for free in...
iamkellymurphy:
me: wait how will we stay for free in begas
Matthew: lou begas’ apartment?
kelly lou is a friend but I have to say don’t get too hung up on him. he carouses with many women
me: vegas jesus christ
Matthew: Jessica, Monica, the list goes on
Sandra in the sun
me: i want candy
Matthew: that’s your second inadvertent early 2000’s pop hit reference of this gchat
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Friday Morning Band Name!
It’s Friday morning on Matt Powers Won’t Leave Your Driveway so that means it’s time for another installment of Friday Morning Band Name! As always, feel free to use this name for your band free of charge, royalty, copyright, and acknowledgement. The only thing that I ask is that if you ever win a Grammy, please thank ‘The Lazer’ in your acceptance speech. That would...
6 tags
America, Number One In Pageantry Again
If you thought this year’s Super Bowl was about a football game between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants, you are gravely mistaken. Super Bowl XLVI was merely a staging area for the most indulgent, dazzlingly-choreographed, beautiful-in-all-its-excesses half time show. More specifically, it was a reply to the 2008 Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Beijing—a message to the...
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Anonymous asked: i would just like to note that there is a niche of long face lovers out there many people consider cameron to be superior to ferris. But also I take umbrage at your comment about Ryan Gosling not being the best actor. Clearly you have not seen Half Nelson or Lars and the Real Girl because the hype is not all undeserved
January 2012
3 posts
1 tag
1 tag
My Apologies To Everyone Expecting More 'Drifting'
I just found out that “Matt Powers” is a famous race car driver with a bad ass attitude to boot. I apologize if this blog in any way confusing to motor sport fans, especially with “Driveway” being in the title. This was unintentional and I was in no way trying to “ride” the popularity of Mr. Powers when this blog was developed. Again, any sort of logic trying to...
Forgetadent
I feel really badly for James Garnfeld because he was one of four US presidents assassinated in this country and still no one knows who he is. We’ve had a bunch of presidents—I get it that even though becoming president is incredibly rare and impressive, no one’s gonna memorize all 44 of em. But if you become president AND get killed in office and still no one remembers you, you...
December 2011
4 posts
Existential Facebook
People You May Know: …Yourself
Every Modern Family Episode Ever
If you are looking to free up a half an hour of your Wednesday nights, I’m going to sum up every episode of Modern Family that has been made and will be made.
1. Phil’s got a plan, and it’s a bit immature! He teams up with Luke who thinks it’s equally has cool, but it’s age appropriate for him.
2. Claire is feeling under appreciated. Why does she have to deal...
Happy To Be Here
conorjamesmckeon:
“When you ain’t got nothin’, you got nothin’ to lose”
Bob Dylan, Like A Rolling Stone
On October 11th, 2011, at 11:06 pm EST, I had an anxiety attack. Then, a few minutes later, I had an epiphany.
Several days later I quit the job I’d spent the previous 2 years of my life pursuing; a full-time comedy writing gig with full health benefits during the least stable...
November 2011
1 post
Mark Zuckerberg Calmly and Rationally Responds to...
whitewhine:
There’s been a lot of criticism over the years of Facebook and me, Mark Zuckerberg, and I just wanted to let you know that I really do listen to the really insightful, interesting and constructive things you little fuckers have to say. For example, I know you think the million “people you may know” features I’ve added to the site are annoying. But you know what’s really annoying? A...
September 2011
1 post
Conversations You Never Thought You'd Overhear,...
[Waiting in line at a bodega, listening to man on phone]
Man on phone: You mean you haven’t seen Underworld 1, 2, or 3? What have you been doing with your life?
August 2011
1 post
3 tags
How To Survive A Minor Earthquake
Step 1: While minor earthquake is occurring, do not be in the way of speeding projectiles, do not throw oneself from a formidable height, do not douse self in gasoline and stand near open flame. Do not submerge self in water for longer than duration of peak breath holding.
Step 2: Text everyone you know: “Did you feel the earthquake????”
July 2011
2 posts
2 tags
Youtube's Ongoing Indiscretions Toward The Bare...
I wanted to listen to “Brian Wilson” by the Barenaked Ladies on Youtube the other day. Because Youtube censors it’s “auto-complete” search bar, searching for the Bare Naked Ladies yields
“Bare Ladies Brian Wilson” “Bare Ladies One Week” “Bare Ladies Million Dollars”
And so on. The second you type “BareN”, all the...
Why Literary Types' Drug Addicitons Always Go...
Rick: Hey man are you done with the dictionary yet?
Josh: No, I’m still on E.
Rick: Let me know when you’re finished; I need to look something up.