Matt Powers is a contributor to The Onion, Onion Sports, and Onion News Network. He is the editorial/writers assistant at Adult Swim dot com. He used to work as writers assistant and contributing writer to Onion Digital which brought to the world delights like "Sex House" and "Lake Dredge Appraisal". He has been asked several times but refuses to leave your driveway.
Two days ago, I put all my almonds in a big glass jar so that I can always keep an eye on them. They used to be in an opaque burlap sack but I’ve found that storage method too exploitable by my enemies. With this new system, if I ever think there’s something fishy going on concerning my almonds, I just look at the jar. If it is full with the exact amount of almonds I had the evening before (I mark the jar every night at 8:45 PM with a little dry erase marker), I can go on my day with peace of mind, re: almonds.
Yesterday, I found that a brilliant thief had put a tiny, 360° projector in my jar and programmed it to project a life-life image of almonds onto the sides of the jar, allowing for seamless capture of my quite real jar almonds. This was the one oversight of my almond/jar plan and this burglar mercilessly exploited it. In order to shore up my defenses and prevent similar calamities from occurring in the future, I have decided to switch the jar’s contents to cashews. I know this likely won’t do much, if anything, to increase jar security but I just lost a bunch of almonds and I’m kind of frazzled.
More plans to come.
Don’t make the same mistake I did. McSweeney’s was kind enough to publish my warning of an all-too-common business mistake.
I want to visit a small town where being slightly content after just barely making your bus has been outlawed. With my urban bravado, I will teach the town how liberating it is to be slightly content after just barely making your bus and they will rebel against the conservative reverend who outlawed in the first place. Then I will ask “isn’t this town so much better now?” and they’ll say “sorta, I guess”.
I received my new business cards yesterday and had already handed out about two thousand when I realized they say “editorial assistant” instead of my correct title, “editorial sheriff” (correct card shown below)
Please DESTROY these incorrect business cards. If we let these falsities circulate, it will erode the principles of goodwill, trust, and friendship: the very three pillars that the business community operates on.
Please refer to the image above for the correct title, and please print this is on salmon-covered card stock if you cannot wait to receive a replacement. For how to get a replacement, please see below.
For a business card replacement, please send a Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope to my home address along with a written affidavit that we were hanging out on the night of April 14th, 2005 at Julio’s Dance Hall in Carson City, Nevada. That would be pretty huge for me, so thank you.
And see you out there in the business world!
Here’s the link to the Vegas article!
Your youngest son Matthew